The people around you have a bigger influence on your chess than you would think.
And if you spend a lot of time digitally, what you consume might even have a bigger influence on you than your best friend or partner.
“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Jim Rohn
In short, you want to look for people who make you a better person and avoid those who drag you down to feel better about themselves.
Avoid People Who Make You Worse
The worst people to have around are the naysayers. Those who stay in their comfort zone and see everyone trying something hard as an attack. They try to hold you back so they feel less bad for not making anything special out of their life.
I would never have become a GM if I listened to the many naysayers that told me being a Pro and GM living in Switzerland is impossible. If you hear that BS too much, you’ll start believing it. Those naysayers usually turn into what is the worst kind of person to be around if you actually want to improve your chess.
No Comparison Among Friends
Another group of people you should stay away from is those who get value from being better than their friends.
I remember staying with two ‘friends’ for a big open tournament in Gibraltar. After a big win, I came back to the room and saw both of them sad. Not because they lost but because I won.
They bet on my result; one of them bet on a draw, the other on a loss. Both of them took pleasure in being the best in our room. That didn’t motivate them to play better; instead, they hoped we would play worse.
I never went to a tournament with them again. If people aren’t rooting for you to feel better about themselves, forget about them very quickly.
We were all around 2200 FIDE back then. One didn’t make FM, and the other barely made it to IM level. With such a poor mindset, improvement comes much harder.
Who To Surround Yourself With
I love being in contact with positive, live-loving people who strive for an amazing life. It is such a joy to watch my friends and my fiancée Alessia grow as people and play a little role in their success.
Often, when I report on something big I did, my few curated friends and Alessia are even more excited than I am. We all try to help each other to be the best versions of ourselves, especially when times are hard. When I feel down or let myself go for a while, they will be there to remind me to do uncomfortable things and use my short time on earth meaningfully. That means they don’t just always say, “You are so amazing” but they also push back on some BS, I say.
As a little example, I used the word “gay” in a negative way in my teenage years. One friend in particular always pushed back and said, “I know you don’t want to use this word this way, so I’m just reminding you to get rid of this habit.” That’s the type of person you want to be around. Loving, caring, but ready to push back when you say or do something sub-optimal.
Moving Away – The Right Thing To Do?
In my article on small experiments, I mentioned that I recently moved away from the city I grew up in. This decision wasn’t an easy one, especially because moving away without a clear-cut reason isn’t very common in Switzerland.At this moment, I realized very well who my friends are who think about my well-being rather than what they would like me to do.
Obviously, my being further away from my friends isn’t what they like. But some of them still encouraged me to try out the move. Why? After listening to my thoughts, they sensed it was the right decision for me. Great friends try to listen to you and give you advice they think is best for you, while others only think about what they would do in your shoes and give you advice.
The worst people to be around, as mentioned before, are the ones that take pleasure from your failures so they feel a bit better about their own.
What About The Internet?
In the intro, I mentioned that the content you consume can have a huge impact on you, too. There is no direct interaction, but you’ll slowly become more like the people you watch and read. A very easy way to figure out if that influence is good or bad is to ask yourself:
Would I love to have coffee with this person every week?
If the person you watch constantly is involved in drama, only has bad things to say about others, and doesn’t believe in much improvement, they probably aren’t a net positive as a friend. In that case, they also aren’t a positive influence by consuming their content. The best example in the Chess World right now is Vladimir Kramnik. The ex-World Champion accuses everyone of cheating because of a fixed mindset. And because he wants to have a reason for his inability to keep up with the Top Players in the World.
Here is the catch: if you read his stuff, you will be influenced by him, even if you strongly disagree with his stance.
How To Find The Right People
“I got it, Noël, but how do I find the right people?” you might think. Let me be honest, it won’t be easy. But you can do the steps below to slowly surround your self with positive, encouraging people.
Step #1: Observe And Classify
For the next week, observe what people and content make you feel better and who makes you feel worse. The people you want to be around energize you and push you to be a better version of yourself. You’ll be happier after meeting them than you were before.
Realize which people and what content is in the net positive & net negative category.
Step #2: Say goodbye to the most negative people
If you realize someone is a constant pain in the ass, never believes in you, and only drags you down, then wish them well and move on. You don’t need these people in your life. It is terrifying to close a long friendship, but the happiness you get from not having to get dragged down every time is well worth this step.
You don’t need to close doors with anyone ever saying anything negative. Just start with whoever is the most net negative.
The same goes for the content you consume. If you always feel worse after consuming someone’s content, consider unsubscribing/unfollowing. I hope it isn’t me, but if so, then please unsubscribe and live a happier life.
Step #3: Use Books And Podcasts As Friends
For a long time, 3 of my 5 people were people who had no idea I even existed! There are amazing authors and podcast hosts out there with hundreds of hours of content you can listen to / read. After listening to 1,000+ hours of Tim Ferriss Podcasts, I often ask myself, “What would Tim do in this situation?“. I’ve spent more time listening to him than with most acquaintances I have, so I’m influenced more by him than by most people I physically know.
This isn’t the ideal solution, but a great first step to get influence from the right kind of people. If you like my work and would like to find some positive influences, here are a few suggested people to check out:
- Tim Ferriss
- Cal Newport
- Derek Sivers
- Mark Manson
- Morgan Housel
- Ryan Trahan
- Dror Allouche (I had the pleasure to become friends with Dror; great writer and an even better friend)
In the chess World, there are three people I’m in good contact with and I deeply respect on both a personal and business level:
- Avetik Grigoryan (Founder and CEO of ChessMood)
- Aiden Rayner (Founder of dontmoveuntilyousee.it)
- John Bartholomew (co-founder of chessable, not anymore involved though)
(If someone is not on that list, it doesn’t mean I think they are an A-hole)
Step #4: Attract Interesting People
To be friends with interesting, positive, successful, happy people, you need to be a good influence on them. So ask yourself: “What kind of person do I have to be in order to attract the kind of people I’d love to spend time with?” I don’t think an angry troll on the internet will do it…
The more you develop as a person, the better chance you’ll have to find interesting people and stay in contact with them. It is like the thing they say about love:
“First love yourself, then you can find someone who loves you.”
A high percentage of the highly interesting people I met over the past 3 years discovered my blog and then got in touch with me. Aiden, Avetik, and Dror all have their own online business, strive to improve themselves, and write frequently. I love authors and people who do their own thing… and I attracted them by doing what they love. This wasn’t a conscious approach, but it shows how important it is for you to be attractive as a friend.
I’ve also realized that the messages I get when I write an article with a positive outlook on the world are so much nicer than the ones I get when I do an occasional deep dive into some drama. When I wrote about some FIDE stuff a while back, the most common response I got was, “I like your stuff because it is drama-free; please keep it that way.” What you put into the world will come back like a boomerang.
Step #5: Give It The Right Priority
All the three lovely people mentioned above contacted me. And with all of them, I initially didn’t respond too frequently. I was too self-centered and focused on my own thing. I’m very grateful they were all pretty sticky and kept getting back. Only once I assigned real friendships the right importance did we bond more. Now, I meet Dror frequently for nice walks somewhere in Switzerland, talk to Aiden, even though he lives in Australia, and work together with Avetik and ChessMood with a trust that I’ve never felt before.
As a fun anecdote, I recently discovered that the affiliate commission I get from ChessMood is higher than I thought. I simply never re-checked any transactions for the past 2 years because I love what they do and trust Avetik 100%. I know they’ll treat me well, so why bother controlling what they do?
I hope you’ll find some friends just like that. They make life so much more fun and exciting.
Keep improving,
Noël
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